You know you’re tired when…

You know you’re tired when…

I am fully recovered now from my heart attack and I’m back in a modified routine and back at work. It feels so good to be up and about, talking to adults who aren’t doctors who want to take more of your blood. My first impression was yea! I am free again to live. My second impression was I am so tired after a regular day.

 

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A Lifestyle Makeover

A Lifestyle Makeover

I’m one of those people who loves my donut and latte. I love that I cannot ever use my gym membership and feel absolutely no guilt. And I love that I can watch swimming and marathons on TV and live vicariously through those exquisite physical specimens and feel good about myself.

 

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Rehabilitation

rehabilitation

I had gone to AA many years ago and it was called rehabilitation. I was successful and never went out and drank again. Now I was put back into rehabilitation. This time to monitor my recovery and physical condition after my heart attack. This was just as serious and life threatening as my bottoming out all those years ago. I assumed I’d have to stand up each time and say what I was in for. Hi, my name is Doris and I’m a heart attack. Instead of telling them how long I had been clean I would say, “Now I get to take 14 drugs a day.”

 

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Take it easy

Take it easy

When I left the hospital my doctor told me I had to take it easy until he said I no longer had to take it easy. Well, I don’t like male domination and that felt like a man was telling me what to do and totally controlling what I could and couldn’t do. I got over that and realized that was my unresolved issue.

 

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Thinking about mortality

Thinking about mortality

No one really enjoys thinking about their mortality. I like to write blogs and I usually make them funny or make fun of myself. I never thought about my death or the possibility I could die at any minute. I was struggling to enjoy my life – not prepare for its end.

 

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Paying for medical care

Paying for medical care

I have been home recovering from my heart attack. In my entire life I have never rested like this. The first couple days I knew I needed it and was tired so it was easy. The next few days I was going stir crazy and wanted to go back to work. I had agreed to take 2 weeks off and simply relax and maybe take up a regular meditation practice. I needed to be calm.

 

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There go the doughnuts: My recovery

There go the doughnuts: My recovery

After I came home from the hospital after my heart attack I expected sympathy, to be fed in bed, my kids would clean the house, clients would give me recovery time and space, and rest.

 

As soon as we walked into the house after my 2 day hospital stay my daughter said, “Hey mom, what do you give a heart patient? Three weeks.” Ouch, there went the sympathy. My doctor put me on an exercise routine (35 minutes a day) and a Mediterranean meatless diet. And then there were the pills. My kids ‘decided’ it would be better if we all made like nothing happened. That meant they didn’t change their lifestyle and add cleaning to their roster. I guess that’s good that no one went around like they were always doing the pledge of allegiance.

 

My doctor gave me a list to make sure I was educated:

 

1. Know the names of everything you take.

2. Be clear on how and when to take them.

3. Know the side effects.

4. Learn what each medicine does and why you’re taking it.

5. Make a list of the things you take. Keep it with you in case of an emergency or if you need to talk with another doctor about them.

 

Then I was told to see a mental health specialist. My reaction was, wow, not just a psychologist. I needed a mental health specialist. My doctor must have seen something special in my issues.

 

I also had to go to rehab. I really didn’t see any outward differences in my appearance. As my aunt always said, “It’s not how you feel honey, it’s how you look, and you look fabulous.”

 

No more salt. Ugh. No more fatty meats. Ugh. No more doughnuts or trans fats. Ugh.

 

Life just got serious.

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Heart attack?

Heart attack?

The other morning I was getting ready for work and all of the sudden I felt bad. No warning. I felt like throwing up and my chest hurt. My first thought was heart attack. I always heard it was like an elephant sitting on your chest. That wasn’t exactly what I was feeling but it felt like it required my attention.

 

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Unworthiness and alligators

Unworthiness-and-alligators

As some of you know I live in Florida. I am a warm weather person so that works well for me. Summers are a bit warm and rainy but I believe I had some lifetimes in India in previous incarnations and the summer monsoons in Florida remind me of that somehow.

 

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Men…Ugh

Men…Ugh

I was having lunch with Marge, my best friend, and we were talking about men and how they are never real, they never will let us see their ‘real’ side. I told Marge that women can fake an orgasm but men can fake a whole relationship.

 

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Life getting you down?

Life getting you down?

This week my ‘get service’ light went on in my car, my daughter needed $700 for a summer camp (my half. My ex paid the other half) and I was feeling compelled to contribute to my women’s group. On top of that taxes have to get done and the second payment on my property taxes paid. That’s a lot and it’s weighing on me. It cost me sleep last night.

 

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My daughter's suspension from school (and how I reacted)

suspension

This week my youngest daughter was suspended from school for hitting another girl in her class. According to everyone involved the other girl was making fun of my daughter’s dad being a fag. My girls (and I) adore their dad. He is caring, loving and kind. He is always there for all of us. We divorced 9 years ago because he is gay but we remain very close. The girl who was hit received no punishment.

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Another Inch Of Fat

image by PhonlamaiPhoto / Istock

After the holidays ended in January I noticed a distinct additional inch of fat around my waist. This is part of my “not caring what people think of me” campaign that I successfully have been waging. If I am thin or fat, I love myself. Well, when that inch appeared it all fell apart. I might have loved myself but I have hated that additional inch and have struggled with what to do about it. Now, mind you, I didn’t do anything about it actually, but I have struggled.

  

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Panic attack

panicattack

My best friend got me through my divorce and was there for me- through 2 years of crying that followed- and AA that followed that. I probably owe her my life. Now she is going through a similar situation. She is getting divorced.

 

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Should I get glasses?

glassesDoris

I have been noticing lately that when I’m in the market it’s a little difficult reading the ingredient labels. I read in bed every night and have increased the font size slightly on my Kindle. So I’ve had an inner debate going on whether to see an eye doctor. It’s a distinct sign of getting old and I was resisting it.

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What my dog taught me

What my dog taught me

About 9 months ago I had to put my dog down. I took her to the vet and he told me she had arthritis so badly that the pain would become difficult for her to deal with soon. She was having great difficulty walking and he had put her on Prednisone. It really helped for a while but now it wasn’t working. She could barely walk. It was torture to watch her decline and the vet was right. I had dreams about my dog for several months and she still appears in my dreams occasionally.

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Lawyers

Lawyers

I am not the kind of person that sues people. I think karma takes care of everything, including me. I am an interior decorator and I tend to put in way more time on projects than I bill my clients for, most of it searching for the perfect pieces or fabrics. I always think I give my clients the best value. So when a large client simply wouldn’t pay for a project I had to bring in my lawyer.

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Me and my computer

Me and my computer

So on the evening news they reported that my computer might be spying on me even if it’s off? This is totally beyond my understanding and a bit creepy. I do not understand computers and I am capable of only the basics; sending e-mails, creating a simple word document and getting on the internet. I have no apps on my phone and I have never streamed. I told my daughter the other day, when my computer wouldn’t come on the way it usually does, that my computer was tired and slow. She said it was the hard drive. I thought she was making an exhausting traffic joke. 

 

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Drip, drip, drip

Drip, drip, drip

On Saturday morning I slept in an hour longer, was feeling happy and rested and walked into my kitchen to get a cup of coffee that my coffee maker had so politely made because of the miracle of a timer. As I stepped in front of the pot to grab it my sock covered feet absorbed a small lake of water on the kitchen floor. There was that sinking feeling; my morning is ruined, my pocketbook is ruined, my nerves are ruined and my plans are ruined.

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LIFE: Caring for your parents

LIFE: Caring for your parents

My grandfather and both of my parents are still alive. My father just turned 70. His father lives in a rest home and is 92. My dad is starting to show signs of cognitive decline and won’t see a doctor. He thinks he is way too young to have Alzheimer’s.

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