It’s all Perfect

It’s all Perfect

So the other night I’m sitting around watching the evening news about radical terrorists and my daughter is 10 feet away on her phone on Snapchat. I have absolutely no idea what Snapchat is. I asked her, “Do you think you could be radicalized?” She looks at me with disdain and says, “Oh my God, berkas just come in black and that is so not my color.” One fear handled.

I’ve been thinking I might stop watching the news. I find it less impactful when I read it. I’ve tried ignoring it all together, but I do like watching pop stars and movie stars lives implode because I have firmly come to believe that even if I was rich and famous that wouldn’t have kept my life from imploding. No one at my AA meetings is rich or famous. I think the rich and famous have their own group that’s invitation only; anonymous of course. I watch all of the fears inside me and wonder if they are real or I simply am a powerful creator.

Is the world really falling apart? Are there guns in my kid’s school? Trump is president. Did that really happen? Will I have enough money to re-roof the house before the rains come? Is my only retirement possibility death? These are real, right? My psychologist says I dwell on them too much and I should create a gratitude list instead. I’m a realist. If my day was crap, I say my day was crap. I know “it’s all perfect”, except on the days it isn’t.

Here’s what I learned. Xanax and alcohol don’t mix. No, really, when I weaned myself off of Xanax I started to really look at what I allowed myself to dwell on. I am a powerful dweller and can get lost in it, especially the fear. So the best thing I can do is keep moving. Dwelling gets me stuck and stops me in the muck. I have to keep momentum toward what I really love and want. For me developing courage means ‘keep going’ and maintaining focus on some really great things that are actually unfolding in my life. The rains haven’t come yet. The drought does have some benefits. I love warm sun.

 

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Saturday, 20 October 2018
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About the Author

I’m a writer, parent of 2 amazing kids, and been through all 12 steps in AA. I am also divorced. My main financial burden is affording my psychologist and my main pleasure is being able to fall asleep without sleeping pills, which doesn’t always happen. My past feels like a lifetime ago and my present feels like a present. I’m one of those people who literally wakes up in the morning grateful that I get to have another day and didn’t kill myself 12 years ago. Mostly my life is now a blessing. I have a lot of stories from those days when it didn’t feel life was a blessing and also about now, wh ...

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