Panic attack

panicattack

My best friend got me through my divorce and was there for me- through 2 years of crying that followed- and AA that followed that. I probably owe her my life. Now she is going through a similar situation. She is getting divorced.

 

She called and said she can’t get out of bed she’s so depressed. I said, “That’s great. Now you never have to make the bed again.” I told her to get showered (another significant lapse in her routine) and dressed and I’d pick her up and take her shopping. I realize that going shopping is simply a distraction, but when you’re at bottom, distraction can be necessary to break up the victim, poor me, anger energy that’s gripping you. I took her to our favorite shoe stores and she was quite successful and guilty. I figure if you bought enough to create guilt, then you did good.

 

She was a stay at home mom. Her son was the same age as my oldest daughter and I figured our kids would marry someday. It would be convenient for the parents.

 

When I dropped her off and went home I started to feel anxious. There was no specific reason for me to feel this way. It grew stronger. I was feeling abandoned, alone, scared, exposed and vulnerable. My girlfriend’s situation was activating all the things I had felt years ago. I had thought that my psychologist and more than a handful of psychotropic medications had taken care of it. But, no, there is was. Unresolved and staring me in the face.

 

But this time I wasn’t gripped by the feelings. I was watching them arise and I was looking at them. Before I would have been consumed by them and rendered incapacitated. Now it was totally different. I watched it happen; feelings arising and subsiding. It didn’t feel good but “I” was still present. I made tea and gave myself the time and space to let it play out. After an hour I was back to normal and saw, for the first time, the massive shift, the massive progress, that watching and feeling it all represented.

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Thursday, 18 October 2018
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About the Author

I’m a writer, parent of 2 amazing kids, and been through all 12 steps in AA. I am also divorced. My main financial burden is affording my psychologist and my main pleasure is being able to fall asleep without sleeping pills, which doesn’t always happen. My past feels like a lifetime ago and my present feels like a present. I’m one of those people who literally wakes up in the morning grateful that I get to have another day and didn’t kill myself 12 years ago. Mostly my life is now a blessing. I have a lot of stories from those days when it didn’t feel life was a blessing and also about now, wh ...

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