No one really enjoys thinking about their mortality. I like to write blogs and I usually make them funny or make fun of myself. I never thought about my death or the possibility I could die at any minute. I was struggling to enjoy my life – not prepare for its end.
I am only 40 years old. I figured when I was 80 I would figure all that out. I would be wise and enlightened automatically when I reached 80. Now I realize that is a dangerous fantasy. It’s like thinking somehow I will magically get all the money I need for retirement and not have to save for it and limit what I do now to live comfortably later. I will magically be wise without practicing or learning and that my experience and understanding will just happen.
Having this heart attack has been a blessing. It woke me up. It brought me some realization, some enlightenment. The light went on that I want to be a certain way; wise and enlightened and I am the one responsible for having it. I can no longer pay no attention to it if I really want it. If I want a peaceful death, if I want peace, if I want to know my Self, it’s up to me.
The difference between death and sex is that with death you can do it alone and not feel guilty. I wanted to do it with peace and awareness. I wanted to leave with understanding. I know I had to do it alone. I know I didn’t want to leave feeling I hadn’t prepared or feeling I hadn’t found completion with people in my life.
Now the work begins. Now the learning begins, the teachers found, the practices done, the expansion experienced. I’m excited and grateful for this heart attack.
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